Break Out the Footie Pajamas
by baileymag
Summary: Find out what happens when the Fellowship stops being polite and starts having a sleepover at my house. Not a Mary-Sue, but does include insanity and mild slash; you've been warned! PG-13 mostly for language
1. But you PROMISED!

Author's Note:  Hi, everybody!  I started this story when I was really bored, and um, putting off doing some homework, and it's kind of grown from there.  In case there's any confusion, let me say (in this story) I have not fallen into Middle Earth, nor have the characters fallen into our world.  We all are living on the same plane (plain?) of existence.  How is this possible?  I have no idea; I just hope you enjoy the story.  This is my first fic, so I'm a little nervous, but here it goes….

_Disclaimer:  I do not own Lord of the Rings or anything else that one may recognize; so all you lawyers better not sue.  Besides, I'm a student, my worldly possessions are limited to a train pass and some Sacajawea coins.  Think of the pathetic settlement you would get.  The other lawyers would laugh at you._

'OK,' I thought to myself.  'I have exactly one hour until the bank closes to go cash my pathetic paycheck; that's plenty of time.  But then I have to go the post office and--'

I was totally in my own world as I yanked open my front door and began to step outside.

"Hiiiiiii!!!!!"

"Aaaahhh!" I screamed, jumping about six inches off the ground.

Standing on my porch were Merry and Pippin.  Each hobbit held a plastic bag and wore cheek-shattering smile.

"Geez!"  I yelped, calming down a bit.  "Don't do that to me before I've had my coffee."

"You don't drink coffee," Merry pointed out.

"Exactly," I said, "and until I start drinking it, neither one of you is allowed to scare me like that again!"

They both cocked their heads and gave me curious looks for a second before Pippin spoke up.

"We've brought apples," he announced, holding up his plastic bag.

"Good for you.  Why are you telling me this?" I asked.

"Well, we got them for the sleepover," Pippin explained.

"Who's having a sleepover?" I asked him

"You are!" Merry piped up.

"What the ---- I'm having a ---- I never said that!" I sputtered.

"Yes you did!"  Pippin exclaimed.  "Last weekend when Merry and I were over, I remember you were making a line of empty Bacardi bottles and you said you missed everybody.  Then you got real happy and said you would have a sleepover and invite the whole Fellowship!"

"Uh-huh," I said.  "Pip, I also dimly recall on that same night, you went outside and ran up and down the neighborhood screaming, 'I am the Bubble Fairy!'" I told him.

Pippin blinked at me.  "Right, so what's your point, Annie?"

"My point is nobody says anything he or she means a few Bacardis into the evening."

"But you SAID you would have one!" Merry protested.  "You made a promise!  You signed it and everything!"  He fished a piece of paper out of his pocket.  I unfolded it and read:

I, Annie, solemnly promise to be a gracious and generous friend and host a sleepover for the Fellowship of the Ring.  I also promise not to be a little punk and try to back out of the deal by saying I was too drunk to know what I was doing, like Merry knows I will.

Oooh, and lookee.  I had signed it.  I gave the paper back to Merry.

"I hate you," I told him.

He gave me his most charming grin, "No you don't."

"So does this mean you'll do it?" Pippin asked, his eyes shining.

I closed my eyes and leaned back against the doorframe.

Ooooh, cliffhanger!  Will I say yes?  Will I say no?  Well, if you read the title of this story you probably have a good idea of what my answer is.  Read Chapter 2 anyway, though!  It will give you some backstory.  I was originally going to include it in Chapter 1, but it ran a little too long.


	2. Last Time

Disclaimer:  I do not own the Lord of the Rings characters or stories.  I don't own Buffy either.  They are the property of Joss Whedon (Buffy) and LOTR rights-holders include the Tolkien family, Peter Jackson, and I'm guessing the country of New Zealand.

"Come on," Pippin pleaded.  "You haven't had one in forever!"

"Yeah, there's a reason for that," I said, opening one eye.  "The last sleepover I had involved three trips to the emergency room, the local police, and 15 dozen cookies."

"Hey, I had fun," Merry said.

"Of course you did," I retorted.  "You and Pippin spent the entire night under the dining room table playing with my Buffy action figures, and oh yeah," I added with a glare, "drinking ALL of my Asti (A/N: Sparkling wine)!"

"Meanwhile," I continued.  "I made the mistake of showing Frodo the Claddagh ring I was gonna give my mom for Christmas.  Next thing I knew, he freaked out, shoved the ring on his finger and started yelling, 'My Claddagh!  MINE!  MY OWN!'  Little Mr. Baggins ran away and I had to chase after him for about fifteen minutes before I was able to tackle him in the backyard.  Frodo was shouting at me to get off him, and I was shouting that he better give the ring back before he got another finger bitten off.  Okay, and it turned out that all the cops who were parked nearby, waiting for people to run through stop signs, heard this exchange and were NOT amused.  Fortunately, Frodo snapped out of it and hypnotized them with his huge, frighteningly blue eyes, so nothing more was made of the incident."

"Wow," said Merry.

"Wait, it gets better," I told him.  "We went back inside to pre-treat our grass stains when I heard Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas talking in the living room.  Gimli commented that Galadriel was the most beautiful elf in all of Middle Earth.  Aragorn was all, 'No she's not, ARWEN is the most beautiful elf in all of Middle Earth!' Then Legolas was like, 'You're both wrong! **I **am the most beautiful elf in all of Middle Earth, and I've got the fangirls to prove it!"  They started arguing, getting louder and angrier and then they decided to have a three-way wrestling match in the driveway.  At first it was kind of funny.  Frodo, Sam, and I popped some popcorn and decided to watch them from the porch."

"Hey!  What?" Pippin interrupted.  "You had popcorn and didn't invite us?"

"I repeat, you and Merry were busy getting drunk and playing Buffy.  From what I could gather, Buffy had died for a third time and become Tara's new girlfriend in heaven."

"Oh, that's right!"  Merry exclaimed.  He shot a naughty look at Pippin.  "That was a fun game, Pip."

"ANYWAY," I said, "by the end of the fight, Gimli had a broken wrist, Legolas had a black eye and a couple of cracked ribs, and Aragorn had a three-inch gash in his side."

"Yeah," Merry commented.  "I remember how they were in battle.  They fight dirty.  So what did you do?"

"I packed them up in my car and drove them down to the ER.  Well, it took a while to convince Aragorn to go because he thinks he looks sexier when he's filthy and wounded."

"You know, he kind of does," Pippin mused.

Merry and I looked at him.

"What?"

I decided to just continue, "Yeah, so they got patched up and I started driving back home.  We weren't five minutes away from the hospital when we had to go back because Legolas socked Gimli for singing at him 'You're not pretty anymore.'  When we finally returned, I saw that Bill the Pony had eaten up half of the grass in the front yard.  By that point, I was already tired and mad, so I went ballistic and started yelling at Bill.  Sam came out and was all, 'Don't mess with Bill!'  We had an argument until, finally, Sam climbed on Bill and rode home, taking Frodo with him.  I came back inside and you two were passed out, Aragorn and Legolas had crawled into their sleeping bags, and Gimli was in the kitchen drinking.  Guess what I chose to do?"

"Drink with Gimli!" Merry and Pippin cried in unison.

"Ding!  Correct!  You're such smart little hobbits," I beamed at them.  "However, before I could drink anything, we heard this thumping and bumping in the house.  Gimli thought it might be an intruder, so we crept towards the living room, armed with forks--"

"Forks?" Merry smirked

"I wasn't thinking!  Besides, I actually thought there was an intruder in my corner of Nothingeverhappenshere, USA.  Shows you where my logic was."

"So it wasn't an intruder, then?" Pippin asked.

"No," I sighed.  "It was Aragorn trying to go upstairs to use the bathroom.  Of course, neither of us realized that until we jumped him on the steps and he started to cry."

"You made Strider cry?!?!" they asked incredulously.

"Yeah, a bunch of his stitches ripped," I said.

They both looked a little peeved at me for re-injuring their friend.

"Hey, I didn't do it on purpose, guys!" I protested, trying to defend myself.  "Gimli and I felt REALLY bad about it, so we let him do his business and then I drove him back to the hospital.  I must say, none of the staff looked too happy to see us again.  We got back home a little before 6 a.m.  By that time, Legolas and Gimli had already left to avoid running into any of Mr. Elfie's fangirls on the way home.  Aragorn went home too, refusing to speak to me.  I went to bed, and when I came downstairs around noon, you two were gone as well.  Funnily enough, so were the bacon, eggs, and tomatoes in the refrigerator."  I threw an accusing look at both of them.

They gazed back at me with angelic expressions.

"Neither of you fool me for a minute," I told them.  "Anyway, THAT is why I am never having another sleepover."

"Hey, wait," Pippin said suddenly.  "You never told us how the 15 dozen cookies fit into the story."

"Oh, right," I said.  "Well, I had to buy them as a peace offering for my offended guests.  Five dozen went to Aragorn, the next five dozen went to Sam, and the last five dozen were sent to Bill."

"Bill?" Merry asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, apparently he's very fond of cookies.  They're second only to the grass on my front lawn," I explained.

"Those cookies were for Bill?" Pippin asked quietly, exchanging glances with Merry.

"Did you two eat the cookies I sent for that pony?!?!?!!?!"

"Um, sort of," they answered.

For a second, I considered getting really ticked off, then I calmed down.

"Oh, well," I said shrugging.  "Sam forgave me anyway.  That's one of the really cool things about hobbits – they don't stay angry with you for very long.  Oh, and Aragorn and I are back on speaking terms too."

Both Merry and Pippin looked at me expectantly.

"The end," I added.

"Wow, that was a long story," Pippin said.

"Quite right, Pip," Merry agreed.  "That was a lot of listening.  I say we reward ourselves with apples."  They each reached into their bags and dug out the requisite fruit.  "So what time should we come over tonight?" Merry asked as he munched on a bite of his apple.

"Did you not listen to a word I said?" I asked.  "I'm not having another sleepover after what happened last time!"

"Gosh dang it, woman!  Stop being a prisoner to the past!" Pippin scolded me.

"You know, Pip," I said, "you are making me really sorry I ever let you watch Dr. Phil."

"Oh, come on," Merry cajoled me.  "Do I have to bring out the signed pledge again?"

"And when we invite the Fellowship, we'll make all of them promise to be really good," Pippin added.

"It will be fun!"  Merry exclaimed.

"Pleeeeeaaasseeee?" Pippin begged.

I stared at both of them for a minute or so, trying to build a little bit of suspense before I totally caved.

"Fine," I said at last.

"Yay!" they cheered.

Both hobbits proceeded to do the Dance of Joy from "Perfect Strangers" (A/N:  Old '80's show, I don't know if anyone has seen/remembers it…).  They finished with a flourish as Pippin jumped into Merry's arms.  I applauded politely.

"Well, we have to go now and invite everybody," Merry said, putting Pippin back down.

"We'll see you tonight," Pippin called over his shoulder as he and Merry dashed off the porch and down the sidewalk.

"Yeah, sure," I said.  "But listen," I yelled.  "This is the last one.  Ever!  I mean it!"

They were already gone.

Whew!  That was a long one!  I'm tired!  Hey, go you if you made it through.  Go find Merry and Pippin and tell them that you need an apple and a big hug as a reward!  Thanks for your time, review and let me know what you think!


	3. Hail, hail, the gang's all here

Author's Note:  Hello, again!  I want to start off by thanking all of my reviewers:

Lady Voldything (Just one, that was easy!):  In all seriousness, thank you for your kind review.  It made my day!  This is my first fanfic and as my first reviewer, your positive words helped get things off to a good start.  You are right about Merry and carrots, though!  I was also looking for the VSDs but I couldn't find that story on this site.  I also checked Amazon in case it was an actual book.  Please e-mail me if you know how I can find/access it.  I'm always open to suggestions as to how to improve my story.  Thanks again!

Disclaimer:  I do not own Lord of the Rings or any other movie that is referenced in this chapter.

Saturday Night –

At 6:45, I heard some excited pounding on the front door.  It could only be—

"Merry and Pippin," I greeted them.  "Come on in.  How did I know you two would be first?"

Merry scampered inside and Pippin came after, tugging along a loaded-down red wagon that probably weighed more than he did.

"What have you got in there?" I asked.

"Just some regular sleepover provisions," he told me.  "Sleeping bag, pillows, pajamas, toothbrush, popcorn, mushrooms, carrots, cabbages, sliced turkey, honey-cured ham, pears, two loaves of bread, a firkin of ale…"

I listened, unfazed.  He actually packed light this time.

"…raspberry tarts, a tin of crackers, karaoke machine--"

"What?!" I gasped.  "No way, not again!"  Merry grabbed my arm before I could run away.

"You always say that," Merry said.

"And then you always do it anyway," Pippin reminded me.

"Yeah, but it's usually because I've been bribed," I stated.

"That's why we've also brought M&M's," Merry said, holding up a bag of candy-covered chocolates (which can, in fact, melt in your hand).

"And Asti," Pippin added, pulling a bottle out of the wagon.

"Well, okay," I agreed.  I'm so weak.  "So who's coming tonight?"

"Almost everybody," Merry said.  "Gandalf couldn't come because he's at the White Party this weekend."

"Right," Pippin said.  "Hey, Annie, what's a White Party anyway?  Is it for, like, White Wizards?"

"Um, yeeeeaaaahhhh.  That's it.  A White Wizard Party!"  I responded. 'Hehe, White Party.  Go, Gandalf!  I knew it,' I thought to myself.

"Anyway, Pippin, why don't you go out to the kitchen and put away your foodstuffs?" I suggested.

"Okay," he complied, padding down the hallway with his wagon in tow.

Merry stood still for a moment and tilted his head.  "Do you hear something?" he asked.

I listened.  "Yeah," I said, "it's music; sounds really familiar."

The music got louder.

"I know where I've heard that before!" Merry exclaimed.  "It's the same music that was playing when the Fellowship first started out on the journey.  Remember when everyone went over the mountain in slow motion?"

"Yes, I remember that part," I said.  "But why are we hearing it now?" 

I went over to the door and pulled it open.

"Aragorn!" I said, surprised.

He smiled.  "Hi, Annie.  Hello, Merry."

"Hi, yourself," I said.  "Uh, do you mind turning off that boom box?"

"What?  I'm playing my new theme music, Annie!  Everyone should know that the King of Gondor is coming!  I thought you'd be happy if the neighbors knew you had a guest of such prestige."

"Wow, you haven't let this King of Gondor thing go to your head, have you?" Merry asked sarcastically.  "Whatever happened to all that humble, 'You bow to no one' stuff?"

"I'm still humble!" Aragorn protested.  "Resuming my royal title, marrying the most beautiful elf in all of Middle Earth – and she IS, I don't care what Legolas and Gimli say – leading a battle against the armies of The Evil Eye, and may I add, looking damn hot while doing it all hasn't spoiled me one bit!  I'm still the same, down-to-earth, hard-core Ranger I've always been."

"Strider!!!" Pippin shrieked, running towards him from the kitchen.  "It's so good to see you!  I missed you!"

"Pippin, I saw you and Merry this afternoon when you invited me to this sleepover."

"Yeah, I know," Pippin said, as he hugged Aragorn around his knees.  "Hey, give me a piggy-back ride?" he asked, looking up pleadingly.

"You expect ME to give you a piggy-back ride?" Aragorn asked, shocked.  "I'm the freakin' King of Gon—oh, fine," he said, noticing the looks Merry and I were giving him.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The four of us jumped as the most awful, high-pitched squealing rang through the air.

I winced.  "Legolas is here," I announced.

The others nodded in agreement, then we heard, "AAAAAARRRRRGGHHH!!!!"

"So is Gimli," Merry added, recognizing the guttural roar.

"RUN, LEGOLAS, RUN!" two voices with heavy southern accents screamed from outside.

Aragorn looked at us quizzically.  "Alright, I have no idea who that is."

The man, the hobbits, and the Annie went outside to take a look.

Legolas was running down the sidewalk with his squealing fangirls in hot pursuit.  Gimli was "AAAAARRRGGGHH-ing" away as he attempted to beat off some of the overexcited pubescents with Legolas' two-ton hair care bag.  Standing on my porch were Sam and Frodo, yelling (with fake southern accents), "Run, Legolas, run!" a la Jenny in "Forrest Gump."  Then…the braces on Legolas' legs broke off and he just ran, man!  He just kept running!  He went all the way across the country and back again!  He developed a following!  He received press coverage!  He was an inspiration!  He helped a guy come up with the "Shit happens" bumper sticker!

Several fan fiction readers leaned back from their computer screens in confusion, "What the hell was that?"

Ooops.  Okay, it didn't quite happen like that.  More accurately, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, and I laughed our asses off at Legolas' predicament.  Regaining our composure, we quickly ushered the remaining four members of the Fellowship into the house, slamming the door on the Legolas fangirls.  Sorry, ladies.

I turned the deadbolt lock on the door and Aragorn let out a frustrated sigh,  "Legolas, why do you have to bring those girls wherever you go?"

"Hey, they followed ME!" Legolas exclaimed.  "Besides, at least I have fangirls!  You look like you arrived in relative peace," he said to Aragorn.

"The elf's got a point," I agreed.

"Aragorn shot me his dirtiest look.  "Oh, I HAVE fangirls," he insisted.  "It's just that I, unlike a certain tall, blond, braided Mirkwood prince who shall remain nameless, know how to be discreet.  Remember, I was a Ranger!  'I can avoid being seen if I wish,'" he continued, employing his FOTR line.

_Time out!_  Let's take a moment to travel a few hours into the past and see why Aragorn arrived without any fangirls.

And now, for what really happened:

Aragorn adjusted his knapsack as he walked from his palace to my house.  After what happened last time, he wasn't going to come, but Arwen was away at a macramé fair with Eowyn this weekend and "Spongebob" was a rerun, so he figured he put in an appearance.  Suddenly, someone jumped on his back screeching, "I found him!  I found him!"  In one move, he swung whoever was on his back to the ground as he spun around.  He found himself faced with a sea of fangirls.

"Aragorn!" they swooned.

"Fangirls!" he cried.  "How many of you are there?  One hundred, two hundred….oh, damn!  Legolas still has more!"

"But we looooooooove you!" they assured him.  "We'll follow you anywhere!"

"Really?  Cool, wanna follow me to Annie's house?" he asked.

"Yay!"

"Very well. No pushing, everyone in a single file," he instructed them.

"Um, Aragorn?" a fangirl piped up.

"Yes," he answered.

"You're hot."

"Thank you."

"Can I give you a sponge bath?" she asked, very excited.

"What?!  A bath ?!!?" he hollered with rising panic in his voice.  "Ew!  You go to the back of the line!"

Disturbed, he began rummaging through his things.  "Now, we're almost ready to go, he continued," I just need one thing.  Aha!  Here it is!"  Aragorn pulled a boom box out of his backpack.  Pushing the "play" button, he held it aloft (think John Cusack in "Say Anything") and resumed walking.

The fangirls stopped in their tracks.  "What is he doing?" they whispered to one another.

"This is my new King of Gondor theme music," Aragorn called over his shoulder.

"Isn't this the Fellowship theme?" one asked.

"Well, yes, but aren't I a part of the Fellowship, Miss Picky?  I have rights to it too!"

He continued walking.

Some of the fangirls remained still, while others hesitantly followed, walking about six paces behind.

"Does anyone else find this embarrassing?" a random fangirl asked.

"I do!" another random fangirl called out.

"How about we do this another day, when he's not being so diva-like?" a third random fangirl suggested.

The others murmured in agreement.

"But wait!" yet another fangirl cried. "We're fangirls!  What are you going to do for the rest of the day if we stay away form the object of our unbearable fanpassion?"

They looked around in bewilderment.

Just then, one of them thought she saw a flash of gold dashing away in the distance.  "Omigosh, omigosh, OMIGOSH, YOU GUYS!!!!" she screamed.  "I THINK I JUST SAW LEGOLAS!"

"WHERE?" the others gasped.

"Over there, quick!  Maybe we can touch his hair!"

So the Aragorn fangirls temporarily switched to Legolas fangirls and ran off squealing, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"

Aragorn turned around to see that his fangirls had deserted him.  "Sometimes I hate that freakin' elf."

_Time in!_  _Back to the present:_

Everyone had pretty much moved away from the whole fangirl topic.  Meanwhile, I was trying to discreetly remove all of the rings I was wearing before Frodo noticed them.

Guess what?  He noticed.

"There's no need for that, Annie," he assured me.

I stopped in mid-tug.  "Why is that?" I asked warily.

"Because I'm wearing this," he said, showing me a white gem that was hanging from a chain around his neck.  "It helps."

"Oooh, pretty," I told him.

"Isn't it, though?" Sam commented.  "I think it looks especially nice with Mr. Frodo's beautiful blue eyes."  Sam had been busy unloading all that he and Frodo had brought, but stopped when he noticed all of us giving him 'Oh, I see,' looks.

"Oi!" he yelped.  "I'm gettin' right tired of you all insinuatin' that Mr. Frodo and I are gay!"

"Well, now, to be fair, Sam, we're not the only ones who are saying that," I reminded him.

"That's right," Pippin chimed in.  "Do you want to go back on the internet and look--"

"NO!" Sam and Frodo shouted together.  The two hobbits were looking increasingly angry and a felt the bottom of my stomach drop a bit.  Normally, I tease…anybody.  That's a good way to tell if someone is "in" with me.  If I don't like a person, they are deemed unworthy of any joking around time and I don't even bother.  However, this was not funny to either of them; and I was really didn't want to piss off two of my guests five minutes into the sleepover.

'We've gotta fix this,' I thought to myself.

I made a very contrite face.  "Frodo?  Sam?  I'm sorry."

"I am as well," Legolas added.

"Us too," Aragorn and Gimli said.

"We're sorry too, right, Pippin?" Merry said, nudging his cousin with his foot.

"Yes, don't be mad!  We LOVE you!!!" Pippin cried melodramatically.  "Let's show them, Merry!"  They both rushed forward knocked over Sam and Frodo, smothering them in hugs.

"Aaaaawww!"

"OK, is everybody feeling better?" I asked.

"Yes!" came the reply.

"Thank goodness, because this is all getting a little too "Full House" for me." I told them.  "Now, you guys," I said to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, "should decide where you want to sleep tonight.  You four do the same when you're done," I said to the hobbits, who were still having their hug-fest on the floor.

"Do you care where we go?" Aragorn asked.

"Not really, as long as the arrangements can be made without verbal fights or physical injuries, I'm happy." I replied.

That's all for Ch. 3, folks!  Thanks again for reading!  Review and let me know if you loved it or hated it, or thought it was just okay!  I don't mind criticisms, just try to be a little more constructive than simply saying "You suck."  Let me know how I can STOP sucking! ;-)


	4. OH HELL!

Anyone still out there?  Hey, remember me?  Sorry this update took so long, but the last six weeks have been insane!  I was taking two classes during my college's first summer session (I am NEVER doing that again, by the way!) and for some reason, my professors thought I should be doing the homework they assigned me.  Weirdos ;-)  Anyway, I want to thank all of my reviewers:

Lilit:  Thank you very much!  I'm glad that it was a fun read!

Firestar 385:  Happy that you liked Aragorn's fangirls "switching teams," so to speak.  I don't think he was too pleased ;-)

Cherry:  Thanks for the great review!  I'm continuing!

Jelli-baby:  Aw, thanks so much!  I'm glad that I made you laugh.  Don't worry; people give me strange looks at me when I laugh out loud at other stories too!

Mina aka:  mockingbird:  Thank you for your kinds words!  Yes, I do know that Aragorn has fangirls!  They just, uh, took a vacation that day.

Voldie on Varsity Track:  Thanks for reviewing!  Here's another chapter for ya, home slice!  (I love that name, by the way.)  For the first time, I saw an actual Legolas pregnancy fic posted on this site the other day!  However, I wasn't brave enough to read it.  I hope you continue with your parody, it's awesome!

Disclaimer:  See anything you recognize?  Any LOTR character or reference?  Products?  TV shows?  Movies?  Games?  I don't own anything.

Note:  A few weeks ago, a family friend died unexpectedly.  This chapter (or at least the time and effort it took to write and post this chapter, because the content is very weird) is dedicated to his memory.

I was sitting at the kitchen table when Sam came in from the backyard. 

"Hey," I greeted him.  "How was the gardening?"

He gave me a small smile.  "It was all right.  You know, the groundhog is still eating the bottoms off your tomatoes."

"Yeah, but my dad can't bring himself to do anything about that," I said.

Sam pulled himself up onto one of the kitchen chairs as I went to the refrigerator and tossed him a bottled water. 

"Thank 'ee," he said, catching it.  Looking at me meaningfully, he asked, "How is everyone in here?"

"Fine," I replied.

"Five!" we heard Gimli crow from upstairs.

"Seven!" Legolas, who was also upstairs, cried triumphantly.

"What are they doing?" Sam asked as he looked up at the ceiling.

"Killing things, I guess," I said.  Sam's eyes began to bug out of his head, so I quickly added, "Don't worry, it's just pretend.  They're playing on my brother's PS2.  By the way, don't tell him they used it," (A/N:  In this story, my family is conveniently away for the weekend, like most families are in "The Fellowship came over to my house" fics).  "Merry and Pippin are up there with them, and Aragorn is in the living room, talking to Arwen on the phone. 

"But how's Mr. Frodo?" he pressed.

"I'm not sure, he hasn't woken up yet," I answered, avoiding his eyes.

Emotionally, Frodo's had a tougher time recuperating from the quest than the others.  Lately, everything he's gone through has been taking a physical toll on him as well.  A bit earlier, he began to feel under the weather again.  That's another way of saying 'he collapsed in the middle of my living room and major drama ensued.'  After a few seconds of everyone screaming and generally flipping out, Aragorn collected himself and carried Frodo upstairs, putting him on my parents' bed so he could rest.  Fortunately, whatever discomfort Frodo was in seemed to subside and he was able to doze quite peacefully.  Sam, in contrast, was pacing outside the bedroom door having about fifteen heart attacks.  In an effort to calm him down, Legolas lied through his elven teeth, saying that he sensed Frodo would be fine as soon as he woke up.  I reminded Sam that there were three gardens in my backyard that he could play in.  Apparently, even having some quality "garden time" didn't make him feel any better, because now he was back and giving me his Sad and Worried Sam Face.

I felt bad for him.  "You know, he's going to be okay," I said, trying to reassure him.

"I hope so," Sam said quietly, tracing his finger through the condensation on the water bottle.

"I AM fine!" Frodo's voice came out of nowhere.

Sam and I looked around, alarmed.  "Shit, Frodo, are you invisible again?" I asked, scanning the kitchen wildly, trying to discern his whereabouts.  "I thought that you and Sam got rid of that ring."

"It's _Ring_," Sam corrected me as he stooped over to look under the table for his master.  "And yes, we did."

"I'm in the family room!" Frodo said, his voice mixed with amusement and exasperation.

Sam looked tremendously relieved as we both walked over to the next room.

"Cripes!" I exclaimed.  "Have you been listening the whole time?  We've been in here worrying while you're in there--" I stopped in the middle of the doorway and looked at Frodo, who was sitting in from of the computer, surfing the Internet.  I read the screen and clapped my hands over Sam's eyes as I yelled, "'CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD HOT HOBBIT PORN'?  FRODO BAGGINS, I'M SHOCKED!"

Scandalized, Sam let out a gasp while Frodo began clicking frantically to exit the dialog box.

"I didn't put it there!  It's a pop-up!  It's a pop-up!"

I cracked up and let go of Sam.  He ran over to Frodo and peered over his shoulder at the computer monitor.  I continued walking into the living room.  As I flopped down into and over-sized armchair, I heard Sam say, "Grey Havens travel rates?  Why're you lookin' at them, Mr. Frodo?"

"Um, no reason Sam," Frodo replied.

Shrugging, I turned my attention to Aragorn, who was still cooing to Arwen on his cell phone.

"I miss you too!"  he simpered.  "Very, very much!"  He paused for a minute, listening.  "Of course I'm not spending my weekend with other women!  I told you, I'm over at Annie's house!"

I glared at him as he covered the mouthpiece and smirked.  "Arwen thought it was funny too," he told me.

"Ha," I deadpanned.

"Yes, I remembered to run the dishwasher this morning," he said, turning back to his phone conversation.  "Yes, I promise I won't stay up too late."  Pause.  "Yes, I promise I won't drink alc—aw, honey!"

"YEEEESSSSSS!!!!!  I got 'im!" Gimli's voice thundered down the steps.

"Excellent!  Well done, Gimli!" I heard Legolas congratulate him, his voice oozing with pride.

I smiled to myself.  It was amazing how much their relationship had evolved over time.  I knew that when Legolas and Gimli first met, they could barely tolerate each other.  Now, they hang out all the time.  They have such a great bond that sometimes, they remind me of two brothers.

"You can't claim him as your own!" Gimli suddenly hollered.  "I already killed him!"

'Two really annoying seven-year-old brothers,' I thought, rolling my eyes.

"You did not," Legolas calmly retorted.

"Did too!"

"He was twitching."

"He was twitching because--"

"Oh, don't start that again, dwarf!"

"Listen here, Lady Lovelylocks!" (A/N:  Name of a show I watched when I was five.  I think I gotta stop with the 80's references).

"What did you just call me?"

"You heard me!"

"Ow!" Legolas yelled.

I heard a thud.

"Owwwwww!" Gimli moaned.

"BLOOODDDD!" shouted Merry and Pippin.

"OH HELL!" I screamed at the heavens.

Aragorn gasped at the word "blood," slapped his phone shut, and raced up the stairs.  Frodo and Sam scrambled after him.  I brought up the rear.

The four of us skidded to a stop inside my brother's room.  Merry and Pippin were agitatedly bouncing around on my brother's bed.  Legolas sat on the floor, wincing and rubbing his scalp.  Gimli was beside him, his left had clamped over his eyebrow.  Blood was seeping through his fingers.

"What happened here?" I asked in horror.

"They were fighting," Captain Obvious—I mean, Pippin—informed me.

"That is understood," Aragorn told him.

"The elf here was trying to say that he killed one of those digital men," Gimli said, pointing at the paused game on the TV.

I looked at the screen and did a double take.  "Hang on," I said.  "This is Madden NFL 2004, you don't kill people in this game!"

"Maybe not the way you play it," Gimli stated frankly.  "Anyway, he said he killed that one, when I CLEARLY--"

"That is also understood," Aragorn interrupted him.

"Then he pulled my hair!" Legolas exclaimed indignantly, making a pained face.

"So why is Gimli bleeding?" I asked.

"He pulled my hair," Legolas repeated.

"And you didn't take him out back and shoot him?" Aragorn asked sarcastically.

Legolas' face lit up.

"I wasn't serious!" Aragorn exclaimed.

"Well, I didn't deliberately make him bleed," Legolas stated as he continued to stroke his maimed follicles.  "I was just trying to push him away and his head slammed into the book case."

I crouched down so I was eye-to-eye with Gimli.  "Could you move your hand, please?" I asked him.

He did, and I got to see the cut in its full-bloodied goriness.

"Oh, ew!" I screeched.

"I'm sorry it's not pretty enough for you," Gimli grumbled, sounding insulted.

"No, I didn't mean to offend you.  It's just…it looks really bad."

Frodo and Sam ran into the bedroom.  I hadn't even noticed that they had left.

"Here," Sam said, as Frodo pressed a wet washcloth against Gimli's head.

"How bad is it?" Gimli asked, peeking up at me from underneath the washrag.

I stared at my feet and let out a long breath.  "ER bad," I said weakly.  I looked back up.  "Gimli, you need to get in the car, everyone else--"

"I'm coming along," Legolas broke in.

"What?  Why?" I asked.

"Gimli is my friend!" he said.  "Plus, he pulled my hair."

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but I don't think that requires medical attention," I said.

"We'll take care of you, Leggy!" a chorus of voices squealed.

Our heads swiveled towards the sound.  "OH HELL!" we all screamed in unison.

A herd of fangirls were crowded in the doorway, gazing adoringly at their "injured" elf.  "Awww, did baby get hurt?" they asked.

Legolas began backing up against the wall.  He looked at me accusingly.  "How did they get in, Annie?  I thought you locked the house!"

"I did!" I protested.

"The back door was open," a fangirl said.

"Sam!" I seethed through gritted teeth.

"I was worried about Mr. Frodo!"  Sam exclaimed.  "Besides, you didn't remember to re-lock it either!"  The best defense is a good offense.

"Fear not, mellon nim," Aragorn said to Legolas.  "You have my sword."  He started to unsheathe Anduril and advanced on the fangirls.  Then he stopped.  "Hey," he said, taking note of their faces.  "Aren't some of you MY fangirls?"

"Uhhh…" several of them began.  "We….gotta….go.  NOW!"

They all turned to run out the door.  One came back and flashed a smile at Aragorn.  "Don't worry, Arry!  We'll be back to fanwork on Monday morning!"  Another returned to pull her away.  "Come on, we heard her whisper.  "Word is that Haldir's all alone tonight!"  They both giggled wildly and pattered down the stairs.

Aragorn slumped against the dresser.  "Women," he sighed.  "I just can't take anymore trouble with the--"

His cell phone started blooping out "The Simpsons" theme song.  He flipped it open.  "Hello?"

"ESTEL, DID YOU ACTUALLY HANG UP ON ME?!?" the very pissed-off voice of Arwen blasted through the phone.

Aragorn cringed and drew the phone away from his ear.  Bringing the phone back to his head, he replied, "Sorry, crisis situation.  Blood and everything.  Thanks for calling, I'll talk to you later."  He hung up again.

We all stared at him in open-mouthed astonishment.  He looked at us.

"What?"

We sadly shook our heads.  He was SO not gettin' any for a while.

"Well," Aragorn continued.  "I'm going to the hospital too."

"What?  Why?" I asked, again (I hate repeating myself).

"I'm the freakin' King of Gondor," he answered, like that explained everything.

"Then it's only fair that Pip and I come too!" Merry said, jumping off the bed.

"Don't forget Mr. Frodo and me!" Sam piped up. 

I surveyed the group.  "Guys, I can't take everybody."

They all looked quite unhappy to hear that.

"But we're the Fellowship," Pippin said.  "We're supposed to stick together!"

"That may be, but my car doesn't hold more than five people, including myself," I explained.

"Well, there is a way to fit all of us in the car," Legolas said.

"I am NOT putting the hobbits in the trunk, Legolas!  We've already had this discussion!" I said sharply.

"Well, Sam and I could just go on what we rode over here," Frodo volunteered.

The life of my front lawn flashed before my eyes.  "I didn't know Bill was here," I said, trying to disguise the fear in my voice.

"No, not Bill," Sam said.  "It's a bicycle built for two!  Mr. Frodo rides on the first seat, and I ride on the second.  I made it myself."

The rest of us began furiously chewing the insides of our mouths, trying to contain ourselves.

"_Not. One._ _Word_!" Sam warned us.

I took a deep breath.  "Okay, but a bicycle built for two still means that one of you has to stay behind."

"No, it doesn't!" Pippin exclaimed in delight.  "There's a big basket tied to the front of the bike.  I'll ride in that!"

I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling.  'Oh, geez,' I thought.

"Fine," I said, "but we have to go now.  Gimli's not looking too great."

All seven of them bolted down the steps and out the door.  Never in my life have I seen them move so fast.

Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, and Merry scurried over to my car and began to climb inside.  Frodo and Sam went around to the side of the house, where I presumed they had parked the bike.  Pippin started to follow them when he stopped, turned around, and began running back into the house.

"Wait!" he cried, rushing past me.  "I need a blanket!  I might get cold!"

"Hurry!" I said, waiting to lock the door when he came out.

Two seconds later, he flew back out and jumped into the basket of the bike, which Frodo and Sam had pedaled to the front of the house.  "Ready!" he beamed.

He had swaddled himself from head to toe in a large blanket—riding in that basket; he kind of looked like E.T.  I took one look and burst out laughing.  It was just too cute.

_HONNNNNKKKKKKKK!!!!!_  Gimli had leaned over from the passenger seat and was laying on the horn.

"Annie!" he shouted.  "Stop laughing and start driving!  A dwarf's bleedin' here!"

"Yikes, see you guys there!" I called as I sprinted towards the car.  I quickly got in, jammed the key into the ignition, and started to drive.

Aragorn, Legolas, and Merry were in the backseat and had started to bicker about elbow room and whose leg was touching whose.  My irritation meter rose and I pulled over to the shoulder of the road.  Putting the car in park, I whirled around to face them.

"I DO NOT want to hear another argument or complaint for the rest of the ride.  If ANYONE makes me angry, you will ALL BE VERY SORRY!  GOT IT?" I said fiercely.

They nodded.  Letting out a low growl, I turned around, put the car in drive, and continued on our way.

The others sat in stunned silence.  I was kind of pleased by my ability to put the fear of Annie into them.

That fear lasted about eight minutes.

Aragorn was the first to come out of it.  Blinking a couple of times, he caught my eye in the rearview mirror. 

"Did you actually _growl_ at us, you nutcase?"

TBC:  Thanks for reading, everyone!  To submit scathing criticism, glowing praise, or anything in between, please hit the little "Review" button!


	5. Bloodied ER Unit Meeeemmmmoriieees!

Hello, again! I'm sorry I took forever to update this story, but I was suffering from a double case of writer's block and damn lazy. I really appreciate all the sweet reviews I've gotten:

Mina a.k.a. Mockingbird: Thank you for your glowing praise! (Beams). This is the funniest one you've ever read? That's quite a compliment. Thank you very much!

BurningTyger: I love Merry and Pippin too! Your review was funny because I never intended to write this story with Pippin and Aragorn slash. It wasn't until I re-read my chapters that I realized it did seem like Pippin had a crush on Aragorn. I've made a note of your observation in this chapter. No Merry jealousy in this story, but, well—oh, I can't say! Keep reading to find out what secrets lie in the cousins' past!

Jelli-Baby: Aw, could you be any more of a sweetheart? Thank you! I am continuing, so don't try to breathe your tuna breath on me just yet! Your math was correct—I'm 22 (I feel so old!). Yeah, I've tried to cut back on the 80's references in this chapter. I don't know if you get VH1 (You live in England, right?), but they made the very funny series "I Love the 80s," which could help with any gaps in your 80s-education. Thanks for your support!

Fancyfantasyfairy: Oh, yeah, the evil cliffhangers! Thanks for the review!

Ode2Joy: Thank you so much for your reviews! I was very flattered that you liked my story, especially because I love "Frodo and Sam Go to the Mall." It's gold, baby! It always makes me happy to hear that I made somebody laugh. As point of interest—the Bubble Fairy thing is actually based on a true story. Not involving Pippin, of course…

Maidens-of-the-Dragon's-Zodiac: No, YOU rock! A puddle of laughiness all over your keyboard? Sounds messy ;-) Thanks for your awesome support, I really appreciate it.

Lady-Willowish: Thank you for reviewing this story AND "It's Flashy to Be Slashy!" You're great. You wish you could write funny stuff like this? I wish I could write something as beautiful as "Drowning Solitude!" It's excellent!

Angel13: Thank you for your review! I'm so glad that you liked it!

Special thanks to Christie from the snoifle-head! Now where's my doggy treat??

Disclaimer: Okay, I do not own anything LOTR-related. I do not own Caboodles, Ulta, _The Wizard of Oz_, the lyrics to Miss Suzie Had a Steamboat (Would somebody really sue me over those? Yikes.), or Highlights magazine. If you recognize anything, you can bet I'm not laying claims to it.

_THWAP!_

"Stop it."

_THWAP!_

"Stop it."

The eight of us were assembled in a room of the ER unit. I had a feeling that having eight individuals squashed back there probably violated some kind of OSHA regulations, but none of the triage nurses (who all remembered us from prior visits) looked like they wanted to deal with us in chairs. Presently, Gimli was perched on the edge of the examination table—his forehead was taped together with a few butterfly bandages. The washcloth he had been using was now half-dyed red. Legolas, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, and I were scattered around the room sitting in chairs we borrowed from the hallway. Merry and Pippin were crouched on the floor playing a game called, 'Let's Bother the Big People.' In this game, one hobbit would squat by me, and the other by Aragorn, and "thwap" their respective Big Person in the shins with a rolled Highlights magazine. Aragorn and I would say "stop it" after every "thwap" until we would become so irritated that we'd lift our feet to shove them away. I picked up my foot to nudge Pippin away, all the while reminding myself, 'It's wrong to kick a hobbit. It's wrong to kick a hobbit.'

As soon as he saw my foot rise, Pippin shrieked with laughter and bolted away from me. He and Merry yelled, "Switch!" and Pippin went over to give Aragorn a few good swats while Merry scuttled across the room to resume torturing me.

_THWAP!_

"Stop it," Aragorn said.

_THWAP!_

"Stop it," I said.

Legolas, who was leaning against the wall and still rubbing his head, let out a sigh. "You are all being quite irritating," he said, nodding at the four of us.

"ALL of us?" Aragorn questioned him. "Do I look like I'm enjoying this?"

"Besides, this was Annie's idea," Merry added.

"What?!" I said. "How did you work out that one?"

"Well, you wouldn't let us play 'Cup' with my Official Dominic Monaghan Cup," Merry reminded me, "and you said, 'I'm sure you can both find something else to do.'" (A/N: Listen the FOTR cast commentary if you need an explanation about the Official Dominic Monaghan Cup.)

"Oh, of course," I said. "Anyone would take that to mean, 'Please hit Aragorn and me with the magazines you stole from the waiting room.'"

"Why don't you put those back?" Aragorn asked them, nodding at the magazines. "It's not right to take things that don't belong to you."

"This valuable lesson was brought to you by the freakin' King of Gondor," Gimli drawled as the rest of us (save Aragorn) snickered.

Merry pointed at our chairs. "Ahem," he said. "I don't think these chairs were in this room when we came here."

"That's different," I said.

"Why?"

Aw, crap. "Well, um," I began searching for a lame excuse. I found one. "At least Aragorn and I aren't using our chairs to beat you and Pippin about the legs."

"Yet," Aragorn muttered.

"Anyway," I continued, "will you two get off the floor? You're gonna get dirty."

"REALLY?" Aragorn cried. In one millisecond, he slid off his chair and joined Merry and Pippin on the floor. The three of them gave me self-satisfied smirks.

Pippin giggled. "You're on our side!" he told Aragorn, taking the opportunity to bop the King of Gondor on the head with the Highlights magazine. At the same time, Merry gave me an extra hard crack in the shins with his magazine.

_THWAP!_

"THAT'S IT!" Aragorn and I yelled. He grabbed Pippin's arm and I grabbed Merry's. We both seized the Highlights magazines and threw them against the wall.

"Now you sit _here_," I said firmly as I pulled Merry into my lap. I folded his arms against his chest and gripped him in a bear hug from behind, effectively pinning him down. Aragorn did the same with Pippin. Both hobbits squirmed in an attempt to either escape of get more comfortable, so Aragorn and I tightened our holds. Pippin didn't seem to mind this too much. 'Hmmm,' I mused. 'Maybe BurningTyger was right!'

Merry continued to wriggle. "I can't find a comfortable place," he complained.

"Too bad," I replied unsympathetically.

He twisted around a bit to face me. "No, I remember how my head used to fit right there," he nodded at the spot where my neck met my shoulder.

I gave him a wry smile. "Yeah, well, that was before you and Pippin shot up from drinking all--"

"Oh, no way in hell!"

Pippin glanced up and his face brightened. "Look, everybody! It's our friend!"

I groaned and buried my face in Merry's shoulder. "Our friend" was Dr. Cole. Amazingly, in all of our previous ER trips, including the last three, she was always the doctor who attended to us. She clearly did not consider this a privilege.

"Is she allowed to say 'hell'?" Sam whispered to Legolas.

Legolas shrugged. "Why not? One can't expect humans to have the same amount of decorum and composure that the elves possess."

Aragorn and I regarded Legolas darkly as Dr. Cole stalked over to examine Gimli. "Unbelievable," she chided. "What happened this time?"

Everyone took a turn in describing the events that took place this evening.

"And I thought that this was going to be a fun sleepover," Gimli lamented.

Dr. Cole turned to give me a fierce look. "You're having another sleepover?" she asked incredulously. "You haven't learned anything from the previous occasions, have you?"

"How is this my fault?" I asked, trying not to scream.

"I just can't believe you would bring all of them together again. Never in the whole of my career have I seen such a small group of people get injured so frequently."

She began to stitch Gimli's forehead. He flinched slightly. "Am I hurting you?" she asked.

"Of course not," Gimli responded, summoning up all of his dwarfly bravado.

Pippin turned to Aragorn. "Please let me go?" he asked in a hushed tone. "I promise I'll be good."

Aragorn looked doubtful, but he released his grip on the hobbit anyway. Pippin scurried over to Gimli and held his hand. Gimli flushed with embarrassment, but he didn't pull away. Smiling up at Dr. Cole, Pippin commented, "We've had some fun times, haven't we, doctor? Remember when we all first met?"

Dr. Cole grimaced and nodded. "I should have turned around and fled the minute I saw you and that other one," she said, nodding at Frodo (Sam looked indignant), "with that police officer." She looked at me and said, "I believe that incident occurred at your house as well, miss!"

I squinched my eyes shut. "Well, yeah, but it wasn't my fault!"

_Flashback to the first time we needed a trip to the ER. This took place years ago, prequest:_

My neighbor with a mid-life crisis was mad. Frodo had been giving Pippin a ride in his new Barbie Jeep (Bilbo acquired it on one of his travels), and he succeeded in driving two feet down the block before he rammed it into the side of Neighbor-With-a-Mid-Life-Crisis' convertible. Mr. MLC was quite upset. He ran out front, screamed at Frodo and Pippin, and then screamed at me before he called the police. Officer Grossman (relatively nice guy) showed up to fill out the accident report.

"Do you have a license?" he asked Frodo.

Frodo looked at him blankly.

"Registration?"

Another blank stare.

"Insurance?"

"It's a friggin' Barbie Jeep!" I exclaimed.

Officer Grossman glared at me. Ooops. That wasn't supposed to be out loud.

"Sir," I added sweetly, giving him my 'I'm a good girl' smile.

"Can you vouch for this young man's driving abilities?" he asked me.

"Oh, absolutely! This is the first time he's ever had an accident!" (This was also the first time he'd ever driven, but I neglected to mention that minute detail.)

"Frodo's a very good driver!" Pippin chimed in from the passenger's seat. "You should have seen him before he took his hands off the wheel!"

_Pffft_ went the air out of Frodo's already weak defense.

'Thank you, Pippin,' I thought. Mr. MLC looked like he wanted to strangle Frodo.

Officer Grossman furiously scribbled away on his report. "That's not a safe thing to do, son," he addressed Frodo. "Why were your hands off the steering wheel?"

"Well, you see, sir," Frodo began, "I was trying to teach a hand-clapping game to my little cousin here," he gestured to Pippin. "It a rather good one—'Miss Suzie Had a Steamboat.'"

Officer Grossman stopped writing. "'Miss Suzie Had a Steamboat'?" he asked, looking up.

"Do you know it, sir?" Pippin asked him.

"I LOVE that song!" Officer Grossman declared.

Frodo gave him a happy smile. "Would you like to sing it with us?"

"Why, yes, I would!"

Mr. MLC and I looked on as the three of them clapped each other's hands in turn and sang, "Miss Suzie had a steamboat/The steamboat had a bell/Toot! Toot!/Miss Suzie went to heaven/The steamboat went to hello, operator/Please give me number nine…"

_End flashback._

Frodo shook his head in bewilderment. "We were all having such a nice time until that angry man started throwing his lawn furniture at us."

Pippin lifted a few locks of hair off of his forehead. "I still have the scar from where one of the pieces hit me," he said, pointing to a spot below his hairline. "Annie, what was that table made of again?"

"Um, wrought iron," I answered quietly.

Dr. Cole continued to stitch up Gimli as she griped, "Oh, I've had enough of you people and blunt head traumas!"

Merry started to laugh. "Strider, do you remember the time--"

"Yes!" Aragorn interrupted in a grim tone.

I smirked, knowing exactly what Merry was talking about. It happened over a year ago during Arwen's birthday party in Minas Tirith. Aragorn and Gandalf were in their very rare silly moods, which are often preceded by their not-so-rare drinking moods. Anyway, Aragorn announced that it was time for a musical interlude. He took a swig from a glass—that was filled with fish tank water—and proceeded to gargle out, "If I/were the King/of the Forrrrrrrest!" It was quite a performance. Elladan and Elrohir nearly killed each other trying to get to the bathroom before they wet themselves.

After that entertaining bit, Gandalf asked Aragorn to be his partner in a wheelbarrow race that was taking place in the hall. I'm not exactly sure what happened after that because, in my own drunken state, I pulled a random party guest under the piano and spent the better part of a half hour making out with him. (Oh, shut up.) From what I could gather, Aragorn's damn long legs knocked Gandalf off balance and they both crashed into…something. It sounded big and expensive when it broke, though. When I finally managed to drag myself out into the hallway, I saw Arwen chasing both Aragorn and Gandalf around with Gandalf's staff. She managed to get in a few good smacks before Aragorn passed out.

"And you, Mr. Elf," Dr. Cole's voice yanked me back to the present. "Didn't I see you six months ago for several leg lacerations?"

"He went after me with an axe!" Legolas exclaimed, pointing at Gimli.

"You deserved it!" Gimli shot back before he broke into a stream of Dwarvish curses.

"I agree with Gimli," Aragorn said.

"So do I," Merry added.

"I just think what you did was a bit harsh," Frodo told Legolas diplomatically.

I had to concur. What happened was, Gimli stole Legolas' favorite comb so he could untangle his beard. Now, Gimli's got a pretty thick and heavy beard, so the comb snapped before he could work it through his fifth snarl. Not wanting to tell Legolas what he did, Gimli decided to glue the comb back together and sneak it back into Legolas' Caboodles box before he got back from Ulta. In retrospect, Gimli probably should have made sure the glue was dry and the comb was devoid of any incriminating red hairs because when the comb became stuck in _Legolas'_ hair, he had a very good idea of who was at fault. For revenge, Legolas picked up the phone and called Animal Control, telling them that there was a dangerous, squat, ginger-haired creature on the loose. Imagine Gimli's surprise when he found himself being pursued by three uniformed people wielding tranquilizer guns and a net.

"You've been nurturing that grudge for too long, Gimli," Legolas noted. "They released you eventually."

"On a LEASH!" Gimli reminded him, trying to lunge off the table. Dr. Cole held him back.

"Don't move like that again!" she scolded him. "You'll rip your stitches and I REFUSE to be the only doctor in the tri-state area who has destroyed a dwarf's forehead. We are, however," she continued, "the only hospital in the tri-state area that has admitted hobbits for _Spider-Man_-related trauma and injuries."

I made an "oops" face. "Okay, that one was a little bit my fault."

"That one was a LOT your fault!" Sam said, shuddering.

Let me just say that that took place a couple of years ago, after everyone had returned from the quest. I hadn't seen any of the hobbits for over a year, so I was pretty stoked when they came back. As a kind of welcome back present, I said that I'd take them all out to eat and then we could see a movie. They jabbered all through lunch about their adventures and how they had all these pending book and movie deals. Everyone was in a great mood until the movie started. The instant the title, "Spider-Man" appeared on the screen, Frodo and Sam freaked out. They spent the next two hours rocking back and forth in their seats yelling, "We don't like spiders!" Merry and Pippin, on the other hand, were enthralled. As soon as the movie was over, they tried to climb the walls. Note to anyone who is reading this: Hobbits have no wall-climbing abilities. Don't let them try to convince you otherwise.

I gave Dr. Cole a weak smile. "The only hospital in the tri-state area, huh? That's gotta be something."

"Oh, yes," she replied, actually sounding semi-pleased. "We've got a plaque and everything." She tied off the thread and announced, "We're done."

"You have some very nice handiwork, doctor," Sam complimented her.

"Right," Dr. Cole said briskly. "You'll have to come back to have your stitches removed," she informed Gimli. "After that," she said, turning to the rest of us, "I would prefer not to see any of you ever again."

"We'll try to honor your wishes," I said, standing up. "Thanks for your help."

"Yes, thank you," the others called back as we headed out the door.

"Aughiusrhab," I moaned once we were out the door.

"What does that mean?" Frodo asked me.

"It's my way of saying that I'm very tired and hungry right now," I responded.

"I'm hungry too!" Pippin stated.

The rest of us exchanged glances. _There_ was a shocker.

"Why don't we just stop at the cafeteria here?" Aragorn asked.

"Ew, I'll starve, thanks," I said, making a face.

"You're too picky!" Gimli told me.

"I'm really not," I replied.

"Let's just stop in, seeing as how we're already here," Legolas reasoned.

"Yeah!" the four hobbits cried in unison, looking more ravenous by the second.

Oh, geez. "Fi-- " was all that I got out before everyone made a mad dash for the hospital caf. Hey, it had to be better than nothing, right?

After Gimli, Aragorn, Legolas, and I picked out rolls, vegetables, and our choice of meat, we tried to find a table. We told the hobbits to join us as soon as they were done ordering enough food to feed three small countries. The cafeteria staff looked astounded.

Sitting down, we surveyed our trays. I was going eat my chicken breast first, but I was put off that idea when I discovered my fork could bounce off of it (A/N: True story). Legolas tore off a piece of his roll and popped it in his mouth. After a few seconds of chewing, his lip curled back in disgust. "What is THIS?" he asked.

"Not lembas," I snarked.

He gave me an evil look and was about to say something when Aragorn made a "blech" sound.

We turned to see him spit out a mouthful of corn into a napkin. "Even Eowyn can cook better than this!" he exclaimed.

"Hullo!" The hobbits were making their way toward the table; barely visible over their loaded down trays.

"Lads, don't touch anything you've taken!" Gimli yiped. "It's too late for us, but please save yourselves!"

Merry smiled. "Ha, I think you've forgotten that eating is a hobbit's strong point. We can stomach nearly anything."

We four had to admit that was true, so we sat back and watched as Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, dove into their dinners.

Two bites into their meals, they looked at each other with sick expressions.

"Ugh!" was the group consensus.

Although it was probably obnoxious of me, I had to give them a smug smile. Even hobbits have their limits.

_That's all for now! Thank you all for reading! You know what to do now, hit the review button to tell me what was good, what was bad, and what was just plain fugly._


	6. Meatloaf Breadcrumbs

Hello, again! I'm updating without a two-month gap! What's wrong with me? I'm not sure if this chapter is as funny as usual, so please let me know if I'm under par. I did include a special surprise for Voldie on Varsity Track. What is it? (Imitates the sing-song voice Gollum used in Shelob's lair) "You'll see…."

Now, onto the review replies. I couldn't ask for a better bunch of reviewers! You guys are fab and I love "y'all!"

L a y d e e: Thanks for your reviews! I'm so glad that you've been enjoying the story. Yeah, hospital food is quite unpleasant. I really appreciate all of your kind words and support!

Orligurl88: Wow, thank you! Um, I hope you've regained consciousness. Seriously, thank you so much for your compliments. It makes me happy to know that my nutty story made your day a bit better! I aim to please…

Mina aka: Mockingbird: "Woot" to you too! I _love _the Snoopy dance! You're going to try the "Let's Bother the Big People" game at an airport? Hee! Well, I'll be laughing until a bunch of peeved airport patrons start breaking down my door. Thanks for the continued feedback; you're awesome!

Canadian-Hobbit: Wheee! Welcome aboard! I'm sorry about your apple craving! No apple mentions in this chappie, so I hope I can help keep your addiction at bay. Thanks for taking the time to review!

Angel 13: (Laughs) I'm glad the story is still great.

Jelli-Baby: Hey, chica! I'm very sorry if I was responsible for your family getting angry with you! It's all my fault because I'm a bad baileymag! I have to ask what made you decide to climb your doorframe one day. By the way, ouch! Sorry to hear the "falling on your dad" bit. You saw "I Love the 90s?" Coolness! Did you see Dominic Monaghan's commentaries? (Party on, Merry! Party on, Garth!) I always love reading your reviews. Thanks for your feedback!

Ode2Joy: Thank you! You know, I had the Steamboat lyrics in my head for days before I posted the story, and after I posted the story…You're so lucky to have had a Barbie Jeep! I didn't have one, but sometimes my neighbor gave me rides in his G.I. Joe mobile; we never got to wreck a sports car either! My hobbit restraining method came from years of working with kids. Sometimes a bear hug (or near-death grip) is the only way to keep them from aggravating/attacking each other. I still have to R&R chapter 8 because I would not let myself read anything fun until this chapter (and another one-shot) were nearly finished. Thanks again!

spastikLeggyluvr Hi, there! Thank you for the review. Your compliments made my day. I'm still writing!

Lady Willowish: Hi, again! I'm glad that I still amuse you! Yay! I know, hospital food is NASTY! The only reason I ever ate it was because my mom made me. (It was the morning after knee surgery and my resistance wasn't as strong, thanks to the pain medication.) I appreciate you taking the time to review! Thanks for the support!

Disclaimer: I don't own LotR, Wendy's, Pixy Stix, or anything else you recognize. I would if I could, but I can't, so I won't. Or something like that…

After the hideous cafeteria food incident, we hoofed it to the nearest Wendy's faster than a snitch at a Quidditch match. While we were idling in the drive-thru lane, my eyes fell on a sign that said, "For your own safety, we ask that no one rides a bike up to the drive-thru window." I started laughing. "What kind of moron rides a bike in the drive-thru ohhh…" I trailed off, catching a glimpse of Sam, Frodo, and Pippin waving to us in the rearview mirror. Needless to say, I had to wave the bicycle built for two (and its three passengers) out of the drive-thru lane and onto the sidewalk. It then took us nearly ten minutes to sort out who wanted what and to finally place the order. The string of cars behind us were pretty aggravated with the delay we were causing, and they repeatedly honked their horns to express their displeasure.

It was very dark by the time we got back to my house. Everyone got out of my car (or off of the bike) and trudged up to the front door. As I fumbled for my house key, I heard a deep male voice yell, "Finally!"

"Yeep!" I squealed in surprise. I realized how lame I sounded. 'Good one, Ann,' I thought. 'That'll scare away the hardened criminal.'

The voice continued speaking. "Do you know how long I've been waiting out here? Did you forget I was coming?"

I squinted into the darkness. "Faramir?"

"Who did you think it was?"

"I don't know, a robber, maybe?" I answered.

Behind me, Aragorn snorted. "Yes, you know those dangerous robbers who break in, steal things, and then wait for the owners to return so they can gloat."

"Well, sometimes they stick around for--"

"Oh, for Eru's sake, who cares?" Faramir exploded. "No one has told me where you've all been for the past few hours."

"We've been to the hospital," Gimli told him. That statement was followed by a yip from Legolas, who I guess received a dwarfly kick or smack.

"We also had to stop at Wendy's," Pippin explained, pointing to the paper bags we were clutching.

"Oh, thanks, don't bring back anything for me," Faramir grumbled.

I rummaged through my bag and pulled out a box of fries and a meal toy. "Here," I said, handing both items over to him.

Faramir examined the toy and fries with delight. "Ooooh!"

"So, are we all still doing this?" Frodo asked.

"Absolutely," Faramir affirmed.

"Great then," I said. "Clear a path, lady with the keys coming through."

I unlocked the front door and led everyone inside. I flipped on the lights and the Fellowship scattered to the various parts of the house where they'd left their stuff.

"Can someone do me a favor and get my stamps from my room?" I asked.

Legolas coughed out "Lazy!" while Merry and Pippin immediately thumped up the steps shouting, "We'll do it!"

One by one, the members of the Fellowship returned to the living room, each holding a book of stamps. Soon, the only two who had yet to come back were Merry and Pippin. I went to the bottom of the steps and called up, "Hey! What's taking so long? I left the stamps out on my bookshelf!"

"We'll be down in a minute!" Pippin yelled. Suddenly, there were two enormous crashes.

"_What are you two doing up there?"_ I screeched.

"Noth-ing!" they chorused innocently.

"Bullshit!" I hollered back.

"Can we just start without them?" Gimli asked. Aragorn and Frodo already had their tongues sticking out in anticipation.

I shrugged. "Yeah, why not?" I walked over to where everyone had grouped around Faramir. We were quiet for several moments as we concentrated on sticking stamps all over him. Sam shared his self-adhesive flower stamps with me.

Faramir looked at us nervously. "Do you really think that Christie will like me?"

"Hell, yeah!" I responded.

"We put a great deal of thought into this," Aragorn explained. "It was decided that she couldn't have a better birthday present than you!"

"You would think so!" we heard Merry say as he and Pippin clomped back down the stairs. "Just wait until she gets MY present!"

Faramir furrowed his brow. "I thought I was a gift from all of you."

"All of us except for Merry," Legolas clarified. "He decided to take a different route."

"Yes, but I'm helping you all with the stamps because I'm such a wonderful gentlehobbit," Merry noted, handing me my own stamp book.

"And what route is that?" Faramir inquired.

"Why don't you tell him, Sam?" Merry asked cheekily.

Sam rolled his eyes at Merry and blushed furiously. "Well, Mr. Merry calls it 'the gift that keeps on giving.'"

Faramir nodded. "Cash?"

"I'm jumping out of the cake!" Merry exclaimed proudly. He swiveled his hips. "Anyone want to see my leopard thong again?"

"NO!"

"Prudes!" Merry pouted. He stuck his tongue out at us; Pippin used it to wet his stamp.

Faramir still seemed a bit on edge. "Sometimes I just find it hard to believe that anyone could like me so much."

"Ah, stop your belly-achin', laddie!" Gimli said. "The fair lady Eowyn likes you, too, doesn't she?"

"Well, yes," Faramir acknowledged. "It's just that, growing up, all the young ladies seemed to prefer Boromir. So did our father."

"Ew!" we all yelled.

"Not in that way," Faramir told us witheringly. "I meant in general."

Pippin clapped a comforting hand on Faramir's arm. "Just because a hog and a llama eat from the same trough, it doesn't mean they can have monkey offspring," he told him sagely.

Faramir looked perplexed.

"Dr. Phil-ism," I whispered. "It's better not to ask."

"It's not a Dr. Phil-ism!" Pippin protested indignantly. "It's an Old Took saying!"

"He was very wise," Frodo said.

"I still don't understand," Aragorn said.

Sam sighed. "It's kind of a hobbit thing," he told us. Merry nodded.

"Oh, look!" Legolas cried. "We…are…finished!" he said proudly, sticking the last stamp in the middle of Faramir's back.

"Not quite!" I said, running into the dining room. I returned with a bright red bow and affixed it to the top of Faramir's head. Curling ribbon dangled from the bow and cascaded down his hair.

We all stepped back to admire our work.

"Dashing," Pippin commented.

"Best birthday gift ever," Frodo stated.

"Oi!" Merry cried.

"Now we just have to mail you," I said, taking Faramir by the elbow.

The color drained from Sam's face. "Um, Annie?" he said hesitantly. "I just remembered that the post doesn't come on Saturday nights."

The Fellowship groaned.

"Could no one have remembered this BEFORE we covered him in stamps?" Gimli griped.

"Oh, you guys are sooo wrong!" I told them. "I use a very unique delivery service. Follow me!" I continued, beckoning them outside.

We all stood out on the porch. I thought for a moment before I started clapping my hands. Nothing happened. "Hmm," I mused. The others looked at me like I was crazy. Next, I (unsuccessfully) attempted to whistle.

"I'm really concerned about your sanity," Legolas said.

"What were you just trying to do?" Frodo asked me.

"Whistle," I answered irritably. I then had to wait about ten minutes before I could do anything else because no one would stop laughing at me.

"Right," I said when they'd quieted down. "You want to summon a freakin' delivery service, there's only one way to do it." Planting my feet apart, I started screaming, "HEY, GET OVER HERE! WE'RE READY!"

_"SHUT UP!"_ about three of my neighbors screamed back.

"SORRY!" I shouted. Just then, I saw a wispy shadow of black off in the distance. All right!

Legolas narrowed his eyes and utilized his damn perfect elf vision to study to approaching figures. A panic-stricken look washed over his face. "Crebain!"

"AAAHHH!" the Fellowship screamed.

I had no idea why they were so upset. "Will you guys calm down?"

"Don't you know?" asked a visibly shaking Sam.

"Know what?"

"They used to be spies for the Enemy!" Frodo squawked from where he'd flattened himself on the ground.

"Huh?" I asked. "I always used them when I wanted to send you all care packages."

"What?!"

"Yeah, during the quest," I answered. "I tried to send things to Hollin and Caradhras, but they could never find you. I guess you'd moved on by the time they arrived."

"That was YOU?" Aragorn asked in disbelief.

By that time, the birds had reached my house. The Fellowship still seemed a bit wary, but we all helped Faramir up as hundreds of bird feet clamped on to his clothing.

"Bye!" he called, waving to us. "I'll see you in a few days, Merry!"

"Bye!" we cried. We stood and watched until he disappeared into the night. Turning around to go back inside, I saw Pippin hastily stuff a thick stack of cards inside his jacket.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Nothing!" he answered quickly, turning bright pink. His eyes darted around faster than they did when he ate fifteen Pixy Stix in a row. Pippin is the worst liar in the world.

"Yeah, okay. Is it the same 'nothing' you were messing with in my room?" I said, making a grab for his arm. Pippin darted away. Pushing open the door, he dashed inside the house and made a beeline for the steps. I followed in hot pursuit.

About six steps into the staircase, I felt somebody slam into me and I fell over from the impact. I awkwardly twisted around to see who made me fall.

"Merry! That was rude!" I shouted.

"Not so much fun to be tackled on the stairs, is it?" a certain smart-ass ranger-turned-king called from the front door.

"SHUT UP, ARAGORN!"

"Well, you shouldn't be going after Pip!" Merry said. "We were in this together and if he's in trouble….oliphaunts bollocks," he finished as realized what he just said.

"Merry," I said in a low, dangerous tone. "Call him back down here and show me what you two took or else you'll both be starring in the very fun game entitled, 'Capture the Hobbit,'"

"Oh!" Legolas broke into the conversation. "Do we get to use the flame thrower this time?"

I fixed Merry with a deadly glare. "Yes."

"Pippin?" Merry called up the stairs. "Surrender or we're roasted."

Pippin slowly inched back down the steps with big, scared eyes. "Here they are," he whispered as he reached out to me with a trembling hand. He looked so frightened that I tried to soften my expression.

I looked at the pile of cards in shock. "These are the postcards that everybody sent me when you were off trying to destroy the Ring."

Merry and Pippin nodded. "We thought it would be fun if we could all read them tonight."

I looked at them curiously. "Why didn't you just ask me if we could do that? What was with all the secrecy?"

Merry responded, "I don't know," while Pippin answered, "Because we were really looking for birthday presents when we found these, but we couldn't reach the one shelf, so I stood on your platform shoes while Merry drug over the file box, and then the globe crashed, and your cat got scared, and that fish tank wasn't expensive was it--"

I clapped a hand over Pippin's mouth and laid my head against the wall in frustration. "Is this a story that can wait?" I asked. Pippin nodded.

"At least until you've had few drinks," Merry added.

"Fine, tell me then," I said. Rubbing a hand over my eyes, I continued, "In the meantime, I need to head to the kitchen for some serious junk. Anyone else want some?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay, try not to miss me too much," I said, making my way out to the kitchen.

The Fellowship busied themselves with the TV.

"Let's watch something nice," Sam suggested.

"Something funny," Gimli put in.

"No, something scary!" Pippin piped up.

"I've already seen Merry's thong," Aragorn said. "Ouch!"

Suddenly, everyone started screaming.

"No, it can't be!"

"How is this happening?"

"What's going on?"

"Who is he?"

"Mr. Frodo, wait! Come back!"

Legolas and Gimli ran into the kitchen, breathless. "You won't…believe…what's on…the television," they wheezed out. "Terrifying. Unbelievable. Frodo's hidden himself behind the couch."

"What!?" I said. "What happened?"

Just come and see!" Gimli said.

I started to follow them. "There'd better be something really freaky on that TV! If this is like the time you two tried to convince me that Pippin fell off the roof, I am gonna be SO pi--" I stopped dead when I saw the television. My hands flew to my mouth. "_Oh my gosh…"_

TBC: HAHAHA! Cliffhanger! What did I see? Oh, like it was anything weirder than what you've read in previous chapters. Well, maybe it is, then again….

You know the drill, hit the little review button and tell me if I was on target or missed the mark completely. Thanks for reading!

_P.S. Happy birthday, Christie!_


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